stuck

so far my experience at CU has been an unfortunate one. when people ask me how im liking it. i can't help but be "ya.. its been a interesting semester." its been incredible hard fo rme to feel connected to CU in any way. i want to transfer.. but i dont know where.. if it were up to me. i would not even go to school. but lets face it, you can't get far in life without a college degree. which sucks... so much. unless i want to do ministry.. you don't really need a degree in that..

i do want to do cosmetology, but when i went to visit the school i didn't like it that much.. im going to try and research and find a different one. im at a place in life wehere i wish i was back in high school where i didn't have to make important decision except for what i was going to do that weekend. now every decision that make is important and its my life.. but i don't want to screw it up.

but lets face it, im bound to screw up at one point. there is no way that im going to make the right decision every time.

i wish i knew what i wanted to do.

you know i'll tell myself that i have No motivation to do well in school. and i want to be a teacher. i find it ironic that i want to be a teacher but i hate school. maybe im not going to be teacher. i just don't want to go to school.

school and i have a hate/hate relationship. i hate it and IT hates me. so... why am i going you ask? because i will be flipping burgers at McDee's for teh rest of my life.. and i personally don't want to be coming home everyday smelling like grease..

i don't know what to do. im at a loss.. i don't realy have any dreams or desires right now.. so. we'll see where this road will take me..

i hate that i regret going to CU. i hate that i have to start over again somewhere when i could have made the right decision the first time.. its just disappointing and frustrating..

but enough complaining.. i have to go to school.

as time passes...

as time passes, friends come and go.. this phrase i had never really understood until now..

its definately been a hard semester for me and this phrase has definately kind of been the theme of the year.

i never knew that losing a friend would be so painful..

He amazes me

God is so good..

he leads me when im in the valleys, he celbrates with me when at the highest point on the mountain.. God is always with me.. never ending love and grace...

and for that. im forever grateful...

and im in a valley but i see his guidance.. i will follow his voice.. he leads me out of the darkness...

God is Good.

no idea.

i have honestly have no idea..

i have no idea where i'll get the strength

no idea

how to say it

when to say it

if i should say it

i have no idea how i'll live

no idea how i'll live not seeing you everyday

i have honestly no idea

how i'll say

..goodbye..

its a mystery

i was driving home from somewhere i really can't remember.. but i was praying with my whole heart.. i was praying for God to speak to me. in a way that was completely clear.. and this is what happened.. i heard this song. maybe 10 seconds after i prayed i turned on my radio to wayFM and this song came on.. i started to bawl.


Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
-Tenth Avenue North

this song

i have found a song completely by chance that is describing exactly how im feeling right now..

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

its that time in my life..

let's just say im in a new season in my life.. im listening for God's voice in everything..

im finding myself truly trusting God in everything. because im making the biggest decision of my life so far. and for those of you who know me. im not good and deciding things.. whatsoever..

this has been physically,emotionally,spiritually draining..

but i know good will come from this.

im lost but at the same time im not. i feel Gods hand guiding me, hand in hand, but walking through the dark.

im scared but im peaceful.


i feel myself growing more and more each day, capable of doing things that i couldn't have done a year ago from now. i feel like im growing into who i am, into my skin.



im learning so much about myself, that its tiring..